PROUDLY KENYAN(2015)

12th December 2015, Kenya marks its 52nd year as an independent country. Though we have our own share of trouble there’s much to smile about.

I love my motherland.

Tell me, where do you find blind beggars rejecting fake notes? Kenya.
Where do you find cripples running after street urchins who steal their coins? Yep! You are right. Kenya.

To be honest, it would suck living in a country with no fake men of the robe. The occasional false prophet saga puts a permanent signature to our comic motherland.
Go to Paris, mention “Mbegu” and watch everyone get amused. “You’re from Kenia. Right?” they’ll ask, yet they already know the answer.

It is only in Kenya where you ask a stupid question and the answers you’ll get will make you stitch up your mouth every time you leave the house.

And the Kenyan touts will leave you in stitches. Their witty responses are simply out of this world. No lie.

A while ago, a female Jamaican artiste was in Kenya and she made it so clear that she was madly in love with Kenya(ns). More so the Luhyas, a tribe that has had to bear with all sorts of very hilarious jokes.
I am yet to decide if she was in love with “Wafula” , “BANANA” or “Mombasa Road” but I remember changing my name to Nick Wafula while she was around.
But someone should warn her that my first lady comes from Nyeri and frustum wearers from that region are natural black belt bearers.
They beat the masculinity out of men. I’m already cringing at the thought of what she’d do to a Jamaican woman who earns a living off her looks and voice.
Just for the record, I am not a player. I am polygamous… Sorry. I mean proudly Kenyan.
But just in case she really wants to settle in with me, I’ll call up Vera Sidika and ask her to donate the “tint” she shed off. I do not want guys to think I am stinking rich just because I am courting a white lady! Yep! That’s just Kenyans being Kenyans.

Talking about courting. In Kenya, that’s only done by our brothers from the lake side. Those are the only Kenyan male species that clobber women with love and expensive stuff till the auctioneers do them apart.
As for our brothers from Nyanza, it’s all about rearing. They show their love through feeding. They are so good at it, they even have a feeding program for their first ladies.
What about the entrepreneurs? Our brothers from Central Kenya? Ha ha. They invest. Either for financial or conjugal benefits, it’s all up to their long time plan with “Mama Watoto”

As for the Kenyan ladies, I choose not to delve much into them (as long as this blog post is concerned *hic*) but one thing will always make them stand out.
Their love for selfies.
Only a Kenyan lady will take a selfie with a burning house in the background and caption it, “That’s all me. I’m hot like that!”. The love for cameras on this side of the Sahara surpasses our love for… uhmm… work!

Our leaders.
Kenyan leaders are comedians who choose to showcase their talent(s) on a different platform. Watch any parliamentary proceedings or political rally and laugh your butt off before crashing your TV set.
They are too funny it’s annoying. Literally speaking.

Eye witnesses.
I do not know about the rest of the world out there, but back here at home, being an eye witness is a full time job.
It is only in Kenya where an eye witness gives full account of an occurrence with sound effects as a bonus.

I’d talk all day about our lovely motherland, but there’s not enough time. I need to go out there and celebrate our country’s 52nd birthday.

Oh! Wait!
There was no way I’d wind up without acknowledging my shujaas this year. At this point, if you are below 18 years please log off. Its playtime for you.
Anyway, this year a couple of guys have given the entire a really good laugh. I’m talking Bro Ocholla, Mollis and Dj Spank-de-la-Scream.
Don’t you think it’s funny how all this guys have something in common? All their escapades involve naked ladies and, well, trees. Ha ha

And to all those ladies who made their men shave anything other than facial hair, I salute you too. You are the real deal.

God bless Kenya!